Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Holiday Hiatus

It has become quite apparent that I have the immune system of a premature infant from a 3rd world country, as I have fallen ill for the second time in 3 weeks.  I'm on the mend, but for the last 5 days, I have been incapacitated.  I have only been punched in the face once (when I was 6, by a young boy named Phillip, on the playground of a Unitarian church in Houston, TX) and I can tell you, the flu feels something like that.  Without the shame.

Being sick is one of the few times I wish I had a boyfriend.  On a day-to-day basis, singlehood rocks, but when I'm under the weather, it would be nice to have someone fetch me a stack of fashion magazines.  Or tell me I'm still pretty from across the room, lest he get sick.  I'd really appreciate it if he'd buy me expensive soup from M Cafe during his lunch hour.  Sigh.

There's no more time for sulking, as I'm about to jump on a plane headed for Texas.  That's right cowboys and cowgals, I'm off to the Lone Star State.  Dallas and Austin, to be exact.  Christmas without Houston sounds mighty fine to me.

In the olden days, traveling homebound meant a guaranteed hook-up.  Now there's a 50/50 chance.  So who knows?  Dallas is uncharted territory for me, but I'm hanging with family.  The fun thing about Texas is that anything can happen.  So saddle up Dallasites!  I packed my leather skirt.

Then there's Austin.  I get to visit my dad and two of my favorite people: The Angel Sisters.  That's their real last name.  Only in Texas.  I haven't hooked-up with a guy in Austin since college, but it's a good time no matter what.

Merry Christmas to you Jesus freaks and people who have nothing else to celebrate.
Happy Hanukkah to the chosen ones.
Go Kwanzaa to the 8 of you that celebrate that.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Date 21

For the first time in a long time, I was actually excited to go on a date.  According to his profile, Teacher was attractive and intelligent.  According to our conversation on the phone, he was somewhat normal.  I tried on 7 different outfits before I walked out the door.  This is not normal for me.

Teacher was kind enough to come to my side of town.  He said the traffic was horrendous, so I arrived at the agreed location before he did.  When he walked in, I was surprised by his height.  Very tall.  He was, indeed, very attractive with salt and pepper hair.  Adorable.

Teacher and I chatted about the pros and cons of teaching at a private school, camping (bleck), cooking (eh), our favorite restaurants (he hates all of mine), and how he thinks Harry Potter is the lowest form of literature.  I decided this would not be a good time to mention my Us Weekly habit.

It was obvious that Teacher and I would not be picking out China patterns together, but I had a nice time with him.  He's extremely bright, and I enjoyed listening to him banter about things from his high brow perspective.  There was never a lull in conversation, and I caught him checking out my legs, which is always fun.

But the most interesting part of the date was when I realized that if my sister was single and lived in LA, this man would be for her.  I was on a date with my sister's west coast boyfriend, and it was weird.

Not that it matters, but I had 2 Pinot Grigios, and Teacher had 14 glasses of water.  I paid for my indulgences when he went to the bathroom.  I'm pretty sure he appreciated it.  So there's that.

Here we are again.  No perspective suitors.  Wait, I take that back.  A few people do want to set me up, but set-up dates take forever to execute.  I fear we've hit the holiday slow down.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Change of Plans

The party was a smashing success.  We had at least 100 people in and out of these doors, everyone oohed and aahed over our house, and 5 girls told me I looked skinny.  Success.  Fun was had by all, and I didn't make any poor decisions.  Best.  Party.  Ever.

Although the night was magical, I was over served which caused slow movement the next day.  I really am excited to go out with Teacher, as he seems somewhat normal, but under yesterday's circumstances, the thought of getting dolled up and walking down the street to meet him, at 8:30 mind you, felt equivalent to giving birth the natural way.  No epidural.  And you don't know the father of the baby.  More painful than THAT.

Long story short (It's actually not that long, just not interesting.), we rescheduled for Wednesday.  I am completely booked for the rest of the week.  NO nights off.  Popularity is hard.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Next Date Planned

Teacher and I finally caught up with one another.  As I informed Sash about all of the things that were wrong with the Christmas decorating that he spent the whole day doing, Teacher called.  I excused myself for fear of missing this man forever, and I'm sure Sash was happy to see me go.

Y'all, his voice is not that bad.  On my voicemail, he sounded so official.  Now he sounded relaxed and funny.  Thank God!  Anyway, I think we already have an inside joke, and we're meeting for a drink tomorrow night.

Here's the caveat.  My 2nd annual crazy, off-the-chain Christmas party is tonight.  Last year I had to turn down an ex-boyfriend that wanted to sleep with me before he headed out of town the next day to leave LA forever.  Exciting stuff, no?  So as you can see, ANYTHING could happen.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Date 20

As I was putting money in a meter at a local coffee shop, I thought, "Why in the hell am I doing this to myself?"  It's tough going on these dates.  It takes energy.  And if I were actually looking for a man, I'd probably have more drive.  But I made this bed, and off I was to lie in it.

Ernest was already sitting outside as I approached.  He's a broad African American fellow.  Not fat.  Broad.  He towered over me and gave me a big ole bear hug.  I'm not much of a hugger, so as I pulled away, I realized the hug was not over, according to Ernest.  This is always fun for me.

One thing that impressed me about Ernest was that he had not yet purchased his beverage.  He was waiting for me so he could buy mine as well.  Point for Ernest.  He then came back with a cookie and demanded me to eat half of it.  A food pusher.  Point taken away.

Ernest is an intelligent fellow.  How do I know this?  1)  He was the first man on who understood subject/verb agreement.  2)  He kept up with me and contributed to the conversation.  3)  He told me so more than once.

Ernest talks loudly.  Sweetheart, but a loud one.  I kept answering all of his questions in a whisper, hoping he'd imitate me at some point, but no.  The good news is that everyone at The Coffee Bean knows what he does for a living.

Back-and-forth, back-and-forth, the details are not important, but Ernest is an aggressive fellow.  Not Lifetime movie aggressive, but he puts it on the table quite quickly.  He told me more than once that I was beautiful, which is sweet.  However, I have to say that too many accolades make me uncomfortable.  What am I supposed to say?  "You too?"  He also said that I was prettier than my picture, which I've heard before.  This makes me think I take crappy pictures.

Towards the end of the evening, Ernest asked if he could see me again because he wasn't "looking for friends.  That's what Facebook is for."  Ugh.  I don't like the end of the date pop quiz.  I need to go home and marinate.  I need more of a dance.  Why must I answer this question RIGHT NOW?

The best part is what he wanted to do on the second date.  Horseback riding.  You read that correctly.  Two hours, in the daylight, no libation (again!), on a horse.  I told him that I'd have to think about that as I was thrown off a horse as a kid and horseback riding did not seem like the kind of thing I'd be up for on a 2nd date.  Of course, this later made me giggle when I was re-hashing the night with Sash.  What if I did that with every date I was asked on?  "Coffee?  Can't.  My mother was brutally scalded with coffee when I was in high school.  I could not bare to be in a coffee house.  You understand."

In other news, Teacher and I are like 2 ships passing in the night.  I texted him whilst at work that I had received his message.  He texted me before my date to ask if we could talk.  I text back that I was meeting a friend and asked if I could call afterward.  He said yes, but he may be out at some point.  I called after my coffee date and Teacher didn't answer.

And so we wait.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Back on the Train

I know I've been "too busy" to date.  I've also been too disinterested and that doesn't pair well with busy.  However, I have decided to rip this band-aid off quickly, and rip it I have.

Just to give you some backstory, we are in the midst of a Mercury Retrograde.  I know.  It's a bit much, but one should never start something during a Mercury Retrograde as it's doomed to fail.  If you ask me, this is a perfect time to date men that I'm not all that interested in in the first place.  So, here we go.

1)  Tonight I have a coffee date with Ernest.  Do you remember him?  He was the first man from that could form a complete sentence?  It doesn't really matter, the bottom line is I'll hit 20 tonight because we all know what a coffee date during a retrograde produces.  Bupkis.

2)  Introducing Frenchie.  Yes, another Frenchman.  I can't help myself.  I gave him my phone number because I'm deleting my profile (it really is too much), and he left a message last night.  Y'all.  The accent is INSANE.  Like plug your free ear while clutching the telephone to the other and making a funny face insane.  All I'm saying is that I think I've found a free French tutor.

3)  And then there's teacher.  Dreamy teacher.  He finally messaged me back after a bit of a hiatus.  He blamed it on a 4 day food poisoning incident.  I find this to be a bit suspicious.  Four days down due to spoiled food?  What did he eat?  Fecal matter?  Whatever.  He called too, and it went to voicemail.  His voice doesn't match his look, but one shouldn't ask for too much during a retrograde.

Regulars, do you know what's happening here?  I'm hoping to hit 22 dates before Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanza).  It also means there's only another 7 more months of this blog.  Get it while you can.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Angry Man

This grammarian has been messaging me incessantly.  I have not responded because I'm far from interested.  He finally wrote, "im messing you but dont respond!"  As a junior high English teacher, I quickly decoded it as "I'm messaging you but you don't respond."  I then decided to take care of this by saying, "Thank you, but I don't feel we're a match."  I got this in return:

why do girls automatically think just cuz i mesg a woman it means i wana hook up or i wana be in a relationship with you! we dont even know each other. where im from you got to get to know a person and become friends then you can decide the faith of that friendship. my last meag to you was just refering to ur silly quote on ur profile. im not here for a relationship. i have two wounderful boys that are my life and i dont need to bring in a woman in our life ritenow and take away their attention! im just here to find the cool peeps in this world and be social. good luck trying to find a mate on this pof site cuz what do think gonna happen when you find a man on here, he's gonna close his profile and spot fishing! i think not! all im saying internet is not and i mean absolutely not the place to find a mate. have a wounderful day......

I am now intrigued, obviously.  By the by, can we all agree that an ellipses has 3 ...?

Hello Lover

In today's favorite message we have Sexual Chocolate.  He writes:


Because I didn't answer within an hour, I later received this:

I won't bitr! :). Can we chat? I like ur smile

I find it to be interesting that this man feels the need to tell me that he won't bite on two occasions.  I hope you won't bite, Sexual Chocolate, because that is called assault.  Or consensual sex.