Monday, October 31, 2011

Date 17

It's nice having a boyfriend for a weekend, but why are boys so dirty?  Or perhaps I should say messy.  I fear if I ever were to get married, my life would turn into a series of "Why is this here?" or "Why is this wet?" or "Why are the bath mats kicked to the corners of the bathroom?"

However, we're having a blast.  We slept in late on Saturday and watched Project Runway.  (My decision.  Not his.)  Later, we drove to Silver Lake and had mexican food and margaritas.  The place was empty.  Our bartender, Fred, was awesome.

We came home and watched Celebrity Ghost Stories.  (We agreed on this one.)  It didn't take long to start in on our own ghost experiences.  He told me a story that would make your toes curl.

We were going to go to a costume party, but decided to go to dinner with my roomies instead.  It was a decedant meal at  an upscale restaurant down the street.  Texas Ex and I later had tummy aches from the rich food, but it was worth it.

After dinner, we went home, hung out on the side porch, and wrote an abbreviated version of a musical about serial killers.  Seriously, it could have been a perfect day for me.  Margaritas in the afternoon, champagne in the evening, and creativity in the dead of night.  Perfection!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Date 16

I don't have a lot of time.  This must be quick.

Texas Ex landed in LA on time.  I was still at work, so he went to a local Coffee Bean.  I picked him up there.  He was supposed to get a rental, but his wallet was stolen last week (whilst in court, ironically).  Apparently, you can't rent a car with a passport.  Seems logical to me, but he stood in line and waited to hear that from the horse's mouth.

Ex boyfriends are the best because they're charted territory, and if you actually like the other person, it's a good time.  We laughed, drank, went to dinner, then to the local pub to meet the ladies.

Texas Ex holds his own with the girls.  Obvs.  He's a lawyer.  They can talk.  About anything.  And that he does well.

Listen, I don't know what else to say.  The night rocked, we took black and white photo booth pictures, he had three late night tacos (I did NOT.  That's for my trainer.), we walked home, and the rest is private.

Stay tuned for date 17.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Silver Lining

Do you want to hear what's so cool about having a blog?  My girl, Ash, texted:  Read your blog.  Does that mean you're free tonight?

I'm telling you, if you never want to be lonely, go out and get one of these things.


This just in:  Texas Ex couldn't tie up some loose ends at work and isn't coming in until tomorrow.  Still 1:30 pm Pacific time.  Re-syncronize watches please.

This is what it's like dating a lawyer, ladies.  It's always work, work, work.

Dum Dum Da Dah!

So listen.  I've already apologized for the lack of posts as of late, but I cannot stress enough how busy my life is right now.  I would say that men have taken a backseat to this life, but I have had run-ins with exes. No official dates, but the theme of October is "Ex Boyfriends."

Speaking of, Texas Ex lands in good ole Los Angeles, CA today at 1:30 pm.  Everybody synchronize their watches.  I adore Texas Ex, but let's face it.  This could be a great weekend, or he and I could go a few months without talking.  Luckily, we have vowed to be honest with each other, and if things get ugly, it's off to a local hotel for him.

We are couple dressing for Halloween, which is a treat for me.  I'm going as Lisa from Weird Science and he'll be Chet.  God, we're adorable.

In other news, there's this guy at the gym that I find to be attractive.  Every time I catch a glance, my heart skips a beat, and then I pan down.  He wears these.  I just cannot.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Remember Me?

First, I'd like to apologize for my absence, but I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest, and that's not an exaggeration.  Things are CAH-RAY-RAY at work and my after school "hobby" (what my Israeli friend likes to call my comedy career) has required more of my time.  That coupled with the fact that after the whole Open Marriage mishap, I just felt dirty.  I needed a break.

During that time, I ran into a couple of new suitors.  Meet NG.  Boring.  Excruciatingly boring.  Thus far at least.  Here's a snippet from his About Me:

I am pursuing a film career, so to be honest, I barely have time to pursue a relationship, and certainly no tolerance for drama or jealousy.

So it's pretty amazing that he's on a dating site.  I agreed to go out with him just to get to date16.  Then the back and forth about times.  He can only meet after 10 pm.  I'm not doing that for someone that I consider to be just a number.

And we've come to that.  Look at me.  I'm cynical.  Not that it's all that different than my normal self, but I feel so under the microscope with this blog.  I'll get over it.

I really want to introduce you to ARP.  ARP is 60 and finds me "to be wonderful."  ARP has a good eye, but so do I, and I will not be flirting it up with ARP.  Oh I'm sorry,  I forgot to tell you that he's a magician and also consults for magician TV shows.  Cherry.  On.  Top.

Are you ready for the twist, Regulars?  Today I get a message from Open Marriage.  I was shocked to receive it, to be honest.  On-line dating is a fickle lifestyle, my friends.  People move on.  He said he enjoyed our correspondence, he didn't feel as if that was one-sided, blah, blah, blah, and then asked if I would be interested in hanging platonically.

The "likes to see the good in all" part of me thinks that's sweet and ballsy.  The realist part of me thinks he's trying to get in from another angle.  I said I can't snub a platonic friend request but I'm busy for a bit (the truth).  Radio silence.  I think I know which part of me was correct.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Disappointing Myself and Others

Something happened this weekend that I have not written about.  In the grand scheme of things, it's really not that big of a deal, but I sweated over it a bit.  I put up a tough front here on 30dates, but the truth is, I'm pretty sensitive.  If you know me at all, you know that I don't like hurting people's feelings.

Open Marriage and I got into an interesting back-and-forth via the dating site's messaging system.  His situation fascinates me because, as a woman who can't find a man I'd even want to have coffee with, never mind marrying, alternative lifestyles pique my interest.

I asked Open Marriage what the rules were with his wife.  He corrected me by calling them guidelines, and listed a few.

1)  Be nice and respectful to everyone involved.  (This received a collective eye-roll from my girlfriends.)
2)  Sleep at home.

I think that's it.

Open Marriage and his wife had a monogamous relationship at first, but then they wanted to seek others as time went by.  At first, it was a feeding frenzy for the both of them, but then things cooled down a bit.  They recently moved to LA, and his wife acquired a boyfriend that she sees about once a week.  My guess is, Open Marriage wants to get in on the action since she is, and is starting the "dating" process for himself.

I thought, "What the hey?"  Why not go out with this dude, purely for research?  I wasn't attracted to him (Nothing against Michael Chiklis), so getting my heart broken was never a factor.  And Regulars, I know I said I wouldn't date a married man, but this was different.   I mean, the lady is on the game.  And winning, at this point.

We exchanged phone numbers, texted a bit, and decided to meet Sunday night.

Cut to Sunday lunch with the girls.  I tell them the above story.  I then confess that I really don't want to go on the date.  Clearly this man is looking for some physical action, and that's just not going to happen with me.  I just want to pick his brain.  My girlfriends then remind me that I've already done the research and that I should cancel and hang out with them for the remainder of the day.

Cancelling a date with a nice guy via text is not as glamourous as Hollywood would make you believe. I considered going on a mercy date, but then decided that that would not benefit either one of us.  I texted Open Marriage and told him I had second thoughts and that this situation was not for me.  He was disappointed, but cool as hell about it.  Dammit!  Why did he have to look like Michael Chiklis?  This could have been a way juicier entry.

In other news, I'm excited to see Texas Ex in a couple of weeks.  I'm friendly with most of my exes, but he and I are actually friends.  Plus, we're doing a "couples costume" for Halloween and I NEVER get to do that.

Friday, October 7, 2011

The Bright Side

Things are starting to get better.  I got to hang out with some great people last night, I took a mental health day today, and I look tan for some reason.  I hope I don't have carotenosis.

Things are also picking up on the ole dating website.  Let's do a breakdown.

Open Marriage and I are communicating, and I must say, he is quite verbose.  His emails are lengthy, and I just don't have it in me to reciprocate in the same manner.  He doesn't talk about his wife, and I suppose it's for the best, but I want the nitty-gritty on this open marriage thing.  Don't you?  I'll see what I can get out of him.

Introducing Baby.  Baby is 19 and lives in New York, so I'm pretty sure I found my guy.  Why does he have to live in New York?  Cruel world.  This was our exchange.

Baby: youre sexy
Me: You're 19 and in ny.
Baby: We can make this work
Me: How and why are you up? (It was 1 am)
Baby: How? You travel here and I become your young sexual slave.  I can't sleep because I've found your profile.
Me: Flattering. You have it down.
Baby: I'm partially serious. If you were to call me I'd forever keep you in my imagination. 347-555-5555
Me: So cute. I took a xanex so probably not tonight.
Baby: Then text me at least, you sexy beast. 

And then the Xanex took effect.

Introducing Philly.  He has a hairy chest.  Regulars know that I am a fan of this, but Philly is different.  His chest hair is straight.  Long and straight.  So odd.  I've never seen such a thing.  I told him I liked it nonetheless.

I am currently IMing with another new suitor.  We will call him The Gent.  He loves to use lol and ends a third of his sentences with prepositions.  My eyes are bleeding.

All of my more tradition suitors have left me, without a care.  I really thought Sober Guy and I had something going.  And French Victor?  Pourquoi?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Crappy Week

It's been a rough week for me.  Challenging, one might say.  You know the kind.  Things just aren't going your way.  We've all had them.  Everyone knows what you have to do when weeks like these happen.  GET BUSY.

Introducing Open Marriage.  He's in one.  He sent me an obscure line from one of my favorite movies, so I was intrigued.  He seems ridiculously intelligent and looks like Michael Chiklis.  In his profile, he stated that he's not anti-monogamy, he just thinks lifetime monogamy isn't "necessary or desirable."

I'm curious.  I have no desire to date a married man, even if his wife is catting around town also, but I want to find out more about this fellow.  I love research.  Plus, he's a huge fan of San Francisco.  His kind always fascinate me.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Post Party Ramblings

Funny how one can go from full on gangsta to adorable spinster in two point two seconds.  Ever since the  party, it has been radio silence, from all of my suitors.  French Victor texted on Saturday to ask how long the party would be going, and I said late, then waddled upstairs to pass out at 2 am.  I fear he came, saw a bevy of drag queens singing in 17 part harmony around the piano, and took off.  Well then he's NOT for ME.

Thankfully, ExBFname hasn't contacted me.  He probably found me to be too subtle and quiet.  Actually, I have a tendency to mimic others, so maybe he's telling his buddies that I'm loud and obnoxious.  That thought just made my day.

I'm assuming I'll hear from Sober Guy as the weekend approaches, but one never knows with this game.

The good news is, I did end up spending most of my Saturday evening with a foreign hairy guy, but he is also one of my besties.  The thought of touching him conjures up memories of excerpts from Flowers in the Attic.

So the saga continues.  Stay with me people.  I can't do this alone.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Date 15

Wow.  Last night was a bit exhausting.  In the early stages of our relationship, ExBFname told me that dating a comedian could be hard because he is used to being the funny one.  This is always a red flag.  REALLY funny people usually don't say that, but we all know that I'm making exceptions these days.

As I approached the local eatery, I saw a thin-framed man leaning against the wall.  I called out, "Are you ExBFname?"  His response:  "I hope so because I'm wearing his underwear."  Here we go.

We sidle up to the bar, and the bartender recognizes me.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing, or confirms that I spend too much money on the juice.  ExBFname starts filling me in on his life, and then I realize what the voice thing is all about.  He's in radio.  He's been a morning disc jockey and BOY does he talk like one.  And he has fascial expressions to match, so everything is big, big, big.  It was like watching an Off Broadway play whilst sitting on the stage.  BIG.  And loud.

I had 2 Proseccos and he had a glass of red wine.  Oh you guys, I wish you could have seen him try the wine.  The swirl, the looking at the legs, the nose in the glass, the sip.  But remember, BIG.  I suggested we leave because he needed to be up at 6am so he could "be on the top of the mountain as the sun rises."  Yup.  Can't make this stuff up.

Well, y'all know me.  I had an ulterior motive and walked to the local pub down the street to meet the girls.  We eventually decided to change locations, and on the way out,  I meet Victor.  French Victor at that.  He had a bush of curly hair on his head that I instantly wanted to pet.  But I didn't.  I gave him my number.  He's already texted.  I smell a French date on the horizon.

Tonight is the big shin dig and I fear I may be dateless.  Neighbor is scared of me, Sober Guy has to work (but assured me he wants meet soon), and ExBFname is a no go.  That must mean something unexpected will happen tonight.  Please make him foreign and hairy.  Amen.