Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Hate Mail Revival

(BIG YAWN.  STRETCH.  RUBBING EYES.)  Oh.  Hey.  Coming out of hibernation is something I don’t do everyday, so excuse the rough edges.  I had no idea that I would EVER be back here, but here I am.  How was everyone’s 2012?  And 2013?  Going well?

Things have been OK for me.  Quit my full-time job, wrote a one woman show (A musical, no less.), loved, lost, blah, blah, blah...  But I’m not here to talk about any of that.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to the following email that was sent ℅ my forgotten website:

my husband (just about the kindest and most gentle person on earth, never mind funny as fuck and crazy talented) came across your dating blog. you're wrong -- he looks nothing like michael chicklis.

it's cruel to make fun of him when he can't defend himself. he's also a dead ringer for augusten burroghs.

he was crushed by your characterization of him  and the "mercy" date.  i hope you enjoyed shitting all over a really lovely, kind and sensitive guy.

-the wife

OK.  This is obviously amazing on so many levels, to quote my friend Ash.  To recap, this is about Open Marriage.  You can find entries about him HERE and HERE.

When I read this email, my first thought was, “Wow.  The ‘contact me’ portion of my website works.  Good to know.”  The second was. “This woman is very angry about me not wanting to date her HUSBAND!”  And the third was, “Poor Michael Chiklis.”

At first, I thought I’d write the wife back, but then decided that I would prefer to communicate with Open Marriage since he’s the one I had the non-relationship with in the first place.  So here goes...

Dear OM-

I would like to start off by saying that it was certainly not my intention to hurt your feelings.  I’m sensitive myself, so I understand.  I will say; however, that I wrote this blog assuming every man I wrote about would read it, so I feel I was tame.  Perhaps I’m delusional, so I feel I need to break this down so you can see where I’m coming from.

I have a game I play with my friends called Who Would Play Him/Her in a Movie.  When we describe people, we pick an actor that would...  You catch my drift.  Michael Chiklis was the actor that popped in my head when I saw your pics in 2011.  Do you also resemble Augusten Burroughs?  Totally.  But I don’t think it’s too out there to say that Chiklis and Burroughs share a similar look.  Also, just because I am not attracted to this look does not mean that others aren’t.  My roommate finds Chiklis to be “hot as hell.”  (His words, not mine.)  I prefer hairy Mediterranean men, which is a mystery to many of my friends and my mother.  It’s just what I dig.  Nothing against men that lack copious amounts of hair in unsightly places or if their native tongue doesn’t require spitting.  I also understand how you feel.  I have been told that I look like a number of people that I don’t find to be attractive.  You see yourself differently and you wonder, “What in the HELL are you seeing in me?”  But then I remember, “Who gives a shit how someone else sees me.”  

I would also like to point out that we never met.  I don’t know what your hands look like.  What does your belly laugh sound like?  Do you have a weird tic?  Perhaps you put your hand to your chin when you’re REALLY thinking about something.  I’ll never know.  And that is why my opinion of you means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Hell, I don’t even have an opinion on YOU.  I just recorded my insane journey on this 30 date challenge from my point of view.  And let’s face it, it’s not everyday that you run into a person who is in a happy open marriage.  

I am fascinated by unconventional things.  This is true.  That’s why I was interested in meeting you, but then I realized that as innocent as I may think it to be, it would not be right to go on a date with you knowing the marriage thing wasn’t for me.  I did NOT go on a mercy date.  THAT IS THE POINT.  I didn’t do it.  If I had and then said, “Ugh.  What a mercy date,” then ouch.  I feel that I did the right thing by cancelling.  

I am sure you are kind, gentle, funny as fuck, etc.  I enjoyed our correspondence, even if you write too much for my taste.  Again, I don’t want this to upset you.  I was madly in LOVE with a man that would write Game of Thrones length emails to me, riddled with metaphors and allegories.  Yes, I scanned them, but I adored him nonetheless.

But I get it.  It’s not fun to read about yourself on the Internet.  Especially when you don’t agree with it.  One time, a dude commented on a YouTube video of mine, "What was your name when you were a man?"  (He’s a fool.  Shelby is clearly a uni-sex name.)  It didn’t feel great, but then I realized, this man doesn’t know me at all.  SO WHO CARES?

And that is ultimately what I’m trying to say here.  If calling you Michael Chiklis (not an ugly man) and refusing to go on a date that I’m ultimately not interested in going on are the 2 things that bummed you out, then I am TRULY and DEEPLY apologetic.  Seriously.  I hang out with comics.  We say way worse things about each other before breakfast, so I must be desensitized.  

For retribution, I will share a humiliating moment with you and the 45 other people reading this old ass blog.

Not too long ago, I was enamored with this fellow.  Really dug his chili.  After we broke up, his best friend told me that he was "in love with his ex the whole time he was dating me."  OUCH.  But it doesn’t end there.  He also said that my ex thought of me as "a pile of dirt that he would occasionally come around and piss on."  This is a man I knew BIBLICALLY.  But I got over it.

Again, apologies for any uneasy feelings.


PS- Your wife has balls of steel and loves you dearly.  But to quote my friend Amy, I “dodged a bullet because she would be a really mean first sister wife.”


  1. Call me creepy, but I still come back here every year or so to see if there's been any more revivals. I heard you on NLO back in 2012 and really enjoyed reading this. Good luck with your new projects!

    1. You are not creepy. As a matter of fact, you made my day. Thank you for dropping a line.