Date 6

Logger came to my show last night. He said I was funny. Since he stuck around afterward, I have no reason to doubt that statement. He met a few of my friends, and they thought he was charming and lovely. He works well in a comedy setting with many alpha, narcissistic personalities, and that helps if you're hanging with me.

Logger rocks. He really does. He's fun, smart, gentlemanly, and I have no idea what's going to happen with us. What I do know is that he's an awesome person to spend time with.

Life is weird, and one never knows, but there's a possibility that I will not be Mrs. Reluctant Dater-Logger. If we don't make it, I will sing his praises to any woman thinking of dating him. He is the bees knees.

IN OTHER NEWS: Tall and I are meeting for a drink on Sunday, but the concert is Wednesday. I fear Sunday may be miserable which will make Wednesday unbearable. Clearly, I'm an advocate of the power of positive thinking.

Paranoia Self Destroyer

I am on the cusp of being discovered by one of my beaus, I just know it. And the paranoia has set in, as absolutely everything has me scrambling around like Woody Allen in The Curse of the Jade Scorpion. (This movie was underrated, in my humble opinion.)

Here's what happened yesterday:

As my regulars know, Logger said he'd be attending one of my shows this week. (He's coming tonight, FYI.) Tall and I were texting, and after I told him I was performing that evening:

Tall: Is Logger there? (But he said Logger's real name. I know what you're thinking. How would he know Logger's real name? I thought the same thing, but again, I'M PARANOID.)

Me: Logger who? (But I said Logger's real name.)

Tall: Logger Hasalastname (Kind of cute, no? But it sent me over the edge.)

Me: What are you talking about?

and then DEAD AIR for 2 hours.

Tall: Sorry, forgot what it was for a moment. Logger McNeil. (That's not MY Logger. Huge exhale.)

Fact: I'm OK with being discovered. It's inevitable. It's just that initial "You're busted" feeling that I'm not looking forward to. But what a blog entry it will be.

Minor Ramblings

It's a busy couple of days for Yours Truly. Besides my daytime schedule of purchasing things, I am performing stand-up tonight and tomorrow. Logger is coming to one of my shows, but get this... He's not telling me which show he will be attending. SURPRISE.

Tall and I have been text flirting (flexting?). He told me that he is excited to go out with me, which is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me, in this situation.

In completely random news, I went to Bikram yoga today, and I realized that I don't like guys who do Bikram yoga. And the prize for Biggest Double Standard in the World goes to...

URGENT

REAL DATE ALERT! REAL DATE ALERT! I'M GOING ON A REAL DATE AND THIS IS THE ALERT!

Tall asked me out (pretty sure he's reading the blog and going from there), and he's taking me to a concert at The Greek! I am a sucker for live music at an outdoor venue. (Dad, stop reading here.) This has just guaranteed Tall a ticket to second base.

My New Accessory

My friend, Michael, is my hero. This man is a wonder. I don't know if you recall, but back at the agent's party, he forced Tall to take my number. Tall never called, BUT he did figure out my last name to friend me on Facebook and tell me that he lost my number. Witty banter, witty banter, he still hasn't asked me out, but lots of witty banter.

I want to string a dainty gold necklace through Michael's ears and wear him around my neck. This man does not dilly dally, and he refuses to let others dilly dally as well. With him at my side, we'll get those 30 dates by... February, maybe?

It's Getting Complicated

My friend, Amy, and I were discussing how this blog is ruining my life at the exact same time that it's improving it. I would never open myself up to people like I am now without this God-forsaken blog, and that's great. Switchin' it up is good for the soul. BUT, I am now facing a completely different set of problems that I never even knew existed.

For example: Do you remember Tall? The actor? We exchanged numbers at my agent's party blah, blah, blah... (BTW, he never called, but that's neither here nor there.) He asked to be my Facebook friend, which is fine if he weren't in the damn blog! After I sat on it for 24 hours in a fetal ball, I figured out how to friend him whilst hiding my blog posts. But the bottom line is this: Eventually one of these dudes will find the blog and I'll have to figure out a way to continue to be honest on this thing, knowing men I've written about will read it. Oh Carrie Bradshaw, WHY?????

And for all of you Logger fans, HE'S BAAAACK. I was happy that he contacted me after his trip, because it was dead air while he was away. He's coming to one of my shows this week. If I bomb, he'll be easy to shake. If I rock, he's falling in love with me.

Oh Carrie Bradshaw, WHY????

NSFW

Oral Fixation is a piece of work. The conversation continued.

Him: Why dance when you can dip? Besides I'm too white and straight to dance.

Me: Well, I'm a dancer. I'm sure you can find dippers on this site. (Please excuse the euphemisms.)

Him: Yes i can. But I'm daring you to dip with me.. :)

Me: I don't think we're a match, but I'm flattered nonetheless.

Him: too bad. would have been fun for the both of us. I'll be here if you are tired of looking and feeling really frisky. Would love to see how many times I could get you off. (Seriously?)

Me: Jesus, you are forward as hell!

Him: and? Some gals appreciate an honest guy. Would you rather have that or someone who lies to get in your pants? Shaved unshaved or waxed?

What in the hell is happening????? He then started IM-ing me and it got so disgusting that it was comical. If you're in LA, come see a show as I'm sure to be talking about this one.

Ghosts of Internet Relationships Past

Movieman72 reactivated his account on the dating site and messaged me, which is a bit odd. Obviously I'm all for Movieman72 finding love, and I know it's not with me, but it seems retroactive to communicate in that manner with my dear old friend.

I've also got a sneakin' suspicion that American Citizen? may be Neverland, which means he didn't proofread his message to me. He deactivated his account and acquired a new handle, but I can't be fooled. Plus I'm really paranoid and suspicious. I will investigate further.

And my favorite... Remember that dude with the oral fixation? He's back, and he used the exact same script. I had to find out more about him.

Me: Hold on a second! We've already communicated. This is hilarious. And we established we're not a match.

Him: noooo. you established that. I never establish anything without meeting

Me: No we did. You said your goodbyes and everything.

Him: the offer still stands if you are feeling lonely and frisky

Me: This must work for you since you use the same lines verbatim.

Him: You must have said you were looking for Mr Right or something. Don't you want to play with a guy who actually enjoys getting a gal off as many times as he can?
I plead the fifth. (I don't think he knows what "plead the fifth" means.)

Me: No I didn't say I was looking for Mr. Right. I just prefer more of a traditional dance than your get to the point ways. Different strokes.

The moral of this story is, I miss Logger.

Male Advice

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the daylight hours with one of my male friends. He has a distinct name and is very private, so we'll call him Ernie.

Ernie had a word or two for me regarding Dasher. Ernie thinks I'm being too hard on Dasher and just because he begins most of his messages/texts with "Soooooooo...." doesn't mean he's being passive-aggressive. (I disagree.)

When I was with Ernie, Dasher texted with:

Text 1: Sooooo... (I'm not kidding. That was it.)
2 minutes later
Text 2: any free time this wknd?

I told Dasher that I might have a free moment tomorrow, but I wouldn't know until tomorrow. This is when Ernie called me a B (it rhymes with kitsch). He made me feel awful because he thinks I'm leading Dasher on, and I should be more definitive with my answers.

Well, I tried to do that today, ladies and gentlemen, and it didn't work. The back and forth is not the point, but what you do need to know is that I do not enjoy communicating with Dasher. I don't find him to be witty, charming, and quite frankly, I find his responses to be a bit adolescent. There I said it.

So unless there is an act of God, I'm pretty sure Dasher and I will never meet.

American Citizen?

My friend, Amy, and I have a bet going whether or not this one is from the United States of America.

this is a fake profile...
a beauty like you doesn't need to meet guys here...
does dreamy eyes can have any one they see...
that inviting smile will always have guys drooling after you...
:-)

If this is a product of American education, I think we should all be a bit worried. Does he get his point across? Ish. However, I find it unacceptable to woo a woman without proofing your draft. But what a charmer.

Let's Take a Breather

I need a break. A break from the dating site, a break from dating, a break from texting... I'm going to spend the weekend catching up on my real friends' lives, as I've been a bit of a no show as of late.

Also, you should know that a lot happens behind the scenes here at 30 Dates 30 Blogs, that you're not privy to. Not because you don't deserve to know, but because I really only report on the top stories. Well, with most of my prospects now gone, someone else has floated to the top.

Introducing Dasher. He's sweet, but I find him to be a bit cheesy. I feel badly saying that, but it's the truth. I can't explain exactly why without acting it out for you. Let me see. You know when you say something, anything really, and there's that one person that's like, "Oh yeah, well listen to this..." And what they just said isn't funny at all, but they're laughing, so you laugh because you want to be polite? That's Dasher.

Apparently, Dasher called me this weekend, and I don't recall hearing the message. You know how that goes. You're out with your friends and forget about an email read, or a call taken... No? Just me?

He sent me a passive aggressive message about it and it goes something like this:

Dasher: um, get my vm?

Me: No. When did you leave it?

Dasher: saturday

Me: Well I had a day of fun and frills w my friend and there is a 100% chance I don't remember listening to it. I apologize.

2 days later

Dasher: soooo, ok, here's my number 555.555.5555

I'm sorry, Dasher, but I don't even remember caring if you called, and now you expect me to call you to make up for it? I honestly am jealous of the self-confidence some people seem to have, for no apparent reason at all.

Date 5

More reasons why I like Logger:

a) He's southern.

b) He pays attention to me. (see a)

c) He asks me if I want more wine when my glass is empty. (see b)

d) We listened to, and sang, country songs all the way home.

Logger took me to a friend's house for an intimate BBQ. He made jambalaya in front of my face, which was quite impressive. His friends were awesome, the house was crazy huge, and the jambalaya was perfectly spicy.

This guy is amazing, but I don't think he belongs to me. There was a lot of industry talk, which I can tolerate in small doses. Unfortunately, I get bored easily. Oh God. This has nothing to do with Logger and has everything to do with me.

This is about me, right? I'm so messed up that I can't fall in love with a guy who has a-d above, and a-e in a previous post, entitled Date 2? This is why my friends get so frustrated with me.

The truth is, I may see Logger again because he's a good person, and those are hard to find in LA. Will we be picking out China patterns together? My guess is no, but I also never thought my college boyfriend would marry my best friend, and that happened.

Also, this has nothing to do with the flip flops. And if it does, it is only somewhat subconscious.

Date 4

If you do not have health insurance, or cannot afford therapy, may I suggest Internet dating? You will find out a lot about yourself. For example, today I realized that I can be a judgmental a-hole.

I full on HATED Movieman72 before I met him face-to-face. The incident last night set me off (see And He's Back), and to top it off, he was 20 minutes late for today's date. He warned me he'd be a little late, but my patience was wearing thin.

As soon as I saw his puppy dog eyes, I felt like a mean girl. He gave me a huge hug and said, "Im so sooory." Yup. Canadian. The nicest people on the planet. Maybe not the most punctual, but damn nice.

We had a cold beverage and discussed Hollywood. He was pleasant and smelled of Tide, my favorite detergent. Did I want to rip his clothes off? No. But that kid is going places, and he paid for my tea. After an hour (my time limit, apparently) we said our good-byes and went our separate ways.

I have about 2 hours of downtime before I go on my second date with Logger. Do you want to know a secret? Although I find Logger to be lovely, all I really want to do is meet my girlfriends at the local pub. I'm sick of smiling and nodding and being charming as hell. Would y'all really be THAT upset if we just call this 5 dates 30 blogs?

Busy as a Bee

Today is a doozie. Besides all of the work I need to catch-up on because I didn't do a damn thing yesterday, I have 2 dates today. This dating thing is exhausting. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

The afternoon date is with Movieman72. There's something about this dude that I don't trust. He took down his profile, he turns his phone off all day, he contacts me after I've washed and moisturized my face and expects me to meet with him... In the back of my head, there's a faint voice telling me that he's in a relationship. I also have a gut feeling that he will be a no-show today. Don't worry too much, you guys. There's shopping in the area, so it won't be time lost.

I cancelled with Ratto756 to accommodate Logger, as he's leaving town tomorrow. He told me that he's wearing flip flops because it's a BBQ. This will probably be our last date.

And He's Back

Movieman72 and I just had our first fight. It's a long boring story, but we never had a definite time for our date. It was just going to happen today. Then, this man turned his phone off all day and didn't contact me until 7:44 pm. Who in the hell does he think he's dealing with?

I told him I made other plans (which involves my couch and Netflix), and my time is just as valuable as his. He was apologetic and it looks like we're going to meet for a coffee tomorrow before I see Logger that night. We all know what happens with daytime coffee dates. We're done for.

And Another

I have a new suitor. His name is Neverland, and I don't trust him one bit. He refuses to upload pictures of himself. Shady. He claims to be an elitist snob who doesn't own a television or Internet, so we have a lot in common.

Neverland wants to come to one of my shows to see if I'm funny. If I perform to his liking, he'll introduce himself after my set. If not, I lose him forever. SO WEIRD. This has to happen.

Neverland probably does nonconformist things after work, like reading or painting nudes of his neighbor. He told me he was going to stop by Amoeba Records and then perhaps home for a "strength workout." God I would love to see how he does his strength workout. Is Neverland a free weights guy? P90X? Please let him be some crazy yogi that can balance himself on his ring finger. Hence those awesome biceps.

Falling Apart

I think Movieman72 is standing me up. I have mixed feelings. He was so in love with me, and now what's wrong with me? Huh? I've been nothing but nice to this man. He's one of those text flirters and when it's time to cowboy up, he runs away.

I'm also excited that I get a night off and I don't have to lie to Logger.

Scary or Flattering?

I have a stalker on the dating site. His name is Carman. He visits my profile multiple times a day, and makes it a point to IM me every morning.

Obviously he should probably get out of the house more often. He at least needs a hobby, besides stalking girls. But I have to say, I've never really had a stalker before. Oh sure, I had "secret admirers" in middle school, but everyone did.

I'm embracing Carman and his creepy ways. If he keeps it up, he may get an invitation to my annual Christmas party. (Because it will take me that long to hit 30 dates.)

Coming Together, Sir

Things are getting quite busy. I'm meeting Movieman72 tonight. I'm anxious to see what this one is all about. He's either crazy, or a hopeless romantic, which is a little crazy.

Logger is taking me to a dinner party on Wednesday night. Yup. Meeting the friends. On the second date. We have this flirty little back and forth thing we do about wanting to live in the hills, and I really want a pool, so I have to work. And we LAUGH. So, I'm either marrying him, or setting myself up for a terrible break-up.

I don't know what to do about Ratto756. Do I postpone or tell him I've met someone? I hate this part. But he's a big boy. It's not like he'll be crushed by a woman he's never seen face-to-face.

Date 3

And wouldn't you know it. Neighbor called today. Wanted to have a beer on my porch. I'm counting it as a date. He had a headache and seemed curt. Not an awesome date.

My agent had a mixer of sorts tonight. It was karaoke. I sang One on One by Hall and Oates. I was awful, but I said some funny stuff between bars. Anyway, I met this man. Does it suck that he's an actor? Yes. Was he funny and tall? Also yes. We'll call him Tall because it's better than Actor. I wanted Tall to ask me out, so my friend, Michael, said I should get his number. I told Michael that I don't call boys because I am a lady. At the end of the night, Tall and I are talking again, and Michael made us both exchange numbers. I reassured Tall that he doesn't have to call me, as he's being forced to take my number, but I hope he does.

I also have a new gay boyfriend. His name is Jason and I am in love with him.

Date 2

My date with Logger started in the afternoon and went way into the evening. These are the things I like about him:

a) He's southern.

b) He pays for things. (see a)

c) He's funny.

d) He gets hints. (When we talked before the date, he said he broke his toe whilst wearing flip flops. I told him he deserved it for wearing flip flops. No flip flops on the date.)

e) After he got comfortable, he kept saying that I was "extremely good lookin'" (accent on the GOOD)

Also, it's nice when awkward things happen, but you can laugh about it. He talks with his hands a lot and he "accidentally" touched my boob 3 times. Oh that Logger. Such a hoot. We will see each other again.

I'm seeing Movieman72 on Tuesday which will be interesting. I'm not used to juggling men and I'm an awful liar, so anything could happen.

I'm supposed to see Ratto756 on Wednesday, but I think I should cancel and see Logger before he leaves town on Thursday. I feel bad about it, but if I'm going on second dates with guys, I can't go out with dudes that I know aren't my husband.

Neighbor is out. I find it to be unattractive when a man asks for your number and doesn't call. Yawn.

Oh, and Mr. B contacted me! He said he had a wonderful time drinking coffee and listening to me ramble on about pregnant pauses. I find that hard to believe.

The Lowdown

If all goes as planned, I have a date with Logger today. I don't know when or where, but we agreed that today was the day. He actually called me yesterday. No texting. Interesting, no? I can't believe I picked up the phone. I never do that when I don't know the number. He had a sweet voice and seemed normal. So this one won't be painful, right?

Movieman72 deleted his profile from the site. I immediately texted him to ask why and he responded that he was "betting on me." Smooth as silk, ladies and gentlemen. I have to meet this man. He is too interesting of a fellow.

Weekend Plans

I told myself to rest this weekend, and then I realized that I've only been on one date. I'm trying to squeeze in 2 quick go-sees. One with a new guy named Logger. So far, he seems extremely normal, but we all know that this game is quite deceiving.

The second is with Movieman72. He has been quite anxious to meet, but I fear I may have scared him away. I went to a seance last night, and I made the mistake of mentioning it to him. Haven't heard from him since. It's a blessing, really. If that scares him, he's done for with me. I was hoping, however, to scratch another notch on my dating post. (This just in: It's cool. He just texted. Again, me needing instant gratification.)

Oh, and Ratto756 is back in the picture. We're doing coffee next week. Coffee at night this time. I already know he's not my future ex-husband, so no biggie.

And then there's Neighbor. Ugh, this Neighbor. It gets sticky with this one. He saw me on the way home from Date 1 and I told him what I was up to, as all of my friends know. This is when he gets the balls to ask me out. (BTW - He hasn't called.) I see him again yesterday, and he asks about my blog and if he can read it. I get all giggly and shy because now he's a part of this damn thing. I told him I'd think about it, but until our little escapade is over, it doesn't seem right. RIGHT? (But if you do read this, hello Neighbor!)

Reciprocity

I'm thinking Mr. B also didn't feel the connection as I haven't heard a peep. If he had a similar blog, I imagine his entry to go something like this:

First of all, she wore shorts. Who does that on a first date? Secondly, she made a comment EVERY time there was a pregnant pause. Do you know what's more awkward than a pregnant pause? Addressing it constantly!

BREAKING NEWS

This blog is about to go all CNN on you. This is big news. HUGE. It will most likely turn the Internet dating world on its ear.

I recently received an email from the machine that hooks me up with guys on the Internet, and it said, "We just detected that you're now among the most attractive people," and because of that they've "adjusted" my "experience" so now "You'll see more attractive people in your match results."

Obviously, I'm flattered (and also thinking that the competition isn't that fierce), but what in the hell are these people getting at? They're actually rationing the beautiful people? What? Beautiful people and not-so-beautiful-people can't fall in love? Have you ever heard of Paulina Porizkova and Rick Ocasek?

This is appalling and the people should know. As soon as gays have equal rights, this is my next cause!

Best Day EVER

So, my adorable roommate, who is in the Gay Men's Chorus (Go see a show. They're great.) has been trying to set me up with one of the 2 straight guys in the group. (Isn't that awesome? They let straight guys in that just want to sing, dammit.) Anyway, he just told me that things are not going to work out with this guy because, get ready... He's not into skinny girls.

I'm dying! I'm as happy as a clam. This is equivalent to conning hot twins into a three-way for a man. I'm going to go try on bikinis and jeans while this high is still present.

Sidebar

A couple of my gentlemen friends have expressed frustration when I complain about the lack of fabulousness out there in the Internet dating world. They say, and I agree on many counts, that I should be lucky that anyone at all is interested in me. (Now that I see that in writing, OUCH.)

The truth is this, dear sirs. Being a woman is difficult: higher percentage of body fat, wrinkles make us look old instead of "mature", the constant fear of rape. So besides the ability to grow out beautiful luscious hair, the only thing we have one up on you is getting some whenever we please. Just let us have this ONE THING!

Date 1

(Extremely long sigh)

Let me start with, he's sweet. He's intelligent. Unemployed because he's still following the dream, which I get. Is it weird that he's a puppeteer? Perhaps, but someone has to do it. I knew immediately that he was not Mr. (enter my name here), but we had some great email exchanges, so I thought we'd at least have a fun conversation. It was mediocre. I almost had an aneurysm when he mentioned being Facebook friends. I stayed over an hour, and then my southern hospitality flew out the window.

Here's a tip for everyone. Coffee dates in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday SUCK. And don't even get me started on the awkward goodbyes. How do you say "Please don't contact me again" with your eyes when you're hugging them and saying "Talk to you later" with your lips? It's misleading.

But there's a twist. Whilst walking home from said date, I ran into my neighbor (which we will name Neighbor) that I've been flirting with for some time now. I thought he had a girlfriend. Turns out he doesn't. He asked me out. Kind of. Well, he got my number and mentioned being in the same room together. Listen, what matters is that I may get to go on a REAL date. And by the by, I've dated neighbors before, and it always ends well. So this is exciting.

Oh Boy

You know that character that Kristen Wiig played on SNL? The one that one-upped everyone. Like, another character would say that he's in real estate and she'd say something along the lines of, "Yeah, well, umm, I sold the Vatican and made 7 billion on commission, so..." Well, I've met the real live male version of that online.

Introducing The Artist. Yes, he's an artist, but so much more. He's a writer, fluent in French, a car expert, and enjoys wearing a thin leather cord around his neck, with what appears to be a spear hanging from it.

After a sophomoric compliment about riding me, it goes like this:

Me: Thank you. Strange but sweet.

The Artist: not strange, but funny. It's my acerbic wit. sorry.

Me: No I get it. Funny. (It wasn't. I was being nice.)

The Artist: Oh good. I'm glad. I can freak people out with my humor sometimes.

Me: Hello. I'm a comic.

The Artist: This is true. I forgot. I write comedy, so there's that.

Of course you also write comedy, The Artist, because you can DO IT ALL! I bet he menstruates too.

Anti-Climactic

Well, you can put down that glass of champagne. I didn't go out with Movieman72. His "meeting" ran late and by the time he got out of it, Sleepy McSleepyPants just wasn't having it. My face had been washed and moisturized, and I had on my yummy clothes. It was over.

I feel like I let y'all down a little bit, but I'm sorry. I'm on a strict "get up early, write, workout, network, buy something, catch-up on DVR" schedule, so I need to respect that. I hope you understand.

But there is good news. Today, Mr. B and yours truly will be sitting across from each other, enjoying a caffeinated beverage. This could be the one, you guys. Are we excited to turn this thing into a wedding blog or what?

I'm Not Playing Games, People

A date is going to happen today, come hell or high water.

Introducing Movieman72. He just contacted me today with this opener:

I am so convinced that if we were in a bar and you saw me, you would instantly know that there was some kind of chemistry.

I'm sure that this is used on every woman he contacts, and he just waits for one to bite. Well I bit. For you. And to get some new material on this thing. It feels a bit stale, no?

He's a writer and has a "meeting" this afternoon. He's texting afterwards to see if we can meet. Yes, I gave him my phone number. Again, for you.

Do you see what desperation does? I have been developing these on-line relationships with Mr. B, OD, Max2, all of them. And now look at me. Guy throws me a line and I meet him the same day? I'm an Internet harlot.

How DARE He?

OK, perhaps you should be sitting down for this. This is hard to do, so I'm just going to say it. Mr. B cancelled* our date. I'm still processing it. That bastard. And after all of the back and forth and witty banter. I saved myself for him when I was in Boston. And for what?

I'm being a bit dramatic as he technically just pushed it to tomorrow. He "booked something." I believe that's code for "kind of unemployed."

Because I had a virtual meltdown yesterday when my boyfriends did not respond in a timely manner, I kinda said yes to 2 barely legals. Ugh. One of them wants to talk on the phone because "It'll be easier and faster for us to get to know each other, and i'd really like to hear your voice." Of course I responded that "my voice is awful. Like a pack of hyenas laughing."

This is too much. I just want my iced coffee.


*I realize that I used the British English version of the past tense of cancel (as the American English version is "canceled" but you all know this, of course (chuckle, chuckle). I just feel it's easier on the eyes. But that's me.

Serious Therapy

I sure am finding out a lot about myself through this. Like to chill out.

My need for instant gratification has foiled me again. Apparently I'm not an Internet dating pariah. My dates are still happening, people. It's about to get CAH-RAY-ZAY up in HERE.

OD can't come to my show on Thursday because he is now teaching a sketch workshop on Thursdays. (You read that correctly.) We're rescheduling for coffee this week.

Mr. B and I have our first official date tomorrow. (I wonder if he'll be wearing a necklace. This is so exciting!) And guess what we're going to do? Coffee. This is going to be off the hook, people. My friends can tell you what happens to me after a medium iced coffee. I don't want to get too graphic, but it involves a t-shirt and removal.

Epiphany

Do you think it was a bad idea that I told a guy, that I had tentative plans with tonight, that my bestie's cat died today (truth), and it would be nice if we pushed the date, and then invited him to one of my stand-up shows later this week to kill 2 birds with 1 stone? Huh.

You Should Know

I am so happy to be back home. Being away from my magnifying mirror is traumatic. As I told a friend in Boston, "Lebanon is calling and they want their eyebrows back." Serious grooming needed, indeed.

Another Internet life lesson has been learned. If you leave town, you may as well be dead. It's a dating ghost town for me right now. For all I know, Mr. B and OD are engaged. Zed has disappeared, and now it looks like I'm going to have to "grab a drink" with Max2 and another child that assures me that he is "wise beyond his years."

This blog is starting to depress me. Why didn't I start one on making new friends? Or the best Mexican food in southern California? Or better yet, how many months I can go without washing my car?

To Protect the Innocent

A friend of mine made an excellent point. I never thought anyone would really be that interested in my writing exercise, but the blog is picking up steam. It is not fair of me to post these gentlemen's handles, so I changed the names to protect the innocent. If you are a regular, it won't take long to catch on to the name changes, but from here on out, the names will be altered, so we can all relax a bit.

Update

Greetings from the east coast. It is beautiful here, but I'm already missing my magnifying mirror (for precision mascara application), my computer (an iPad is nice but not the same), and my bed (for obvious reasons).

A lot is happening, but I'll be brief.

Max2 has returned. Couldn't stay away, and who can blame him? The truth is, I have more appropriately aged suitors now so sorry max2. (Unless, of course, I need to get this show on the road.)

I have a new funny guy named zed. I feel like I'm cheating on mr.b. I truly am a one man woman, but this is the nature of the Internet dating beast. Zed also wants to see me next week, which could be difficult. Not only have I committed myself to this social experiment, but I actually have real relationships I need to cultivate. Being popular is hard, you guys.

I have also come upon my first married guy. All of his pictures have his head cut off. He claims to be a triathlete. My ex insists that triathletes have a screw loose. I don't know if that's true, but apparently they're unhappy in their marriages.

Don't Hate the Playa, Hate the Game

Oh I'm sorry. Who just booked 2 dates for next week? (Does one book dates? I don't know.) Me. I did. And for all of you that have been pressuring me, and making me feel bad, you're welcome.

I caught me now 2 fellers. I will be seeing Mr.b and OD. I will make these dates as simple as possible, just in case. I always know 5 minutes in, but I end up staying much longer.

Some of you may wonder why I'm waiting until next week. I'm leaving town tomorrow. I have the great pleasure of going to beautiful Boston, MA to meet with some very dear friends. I don't know if I'll see any action on the east side, but 2 of my most challenging relationships were with Bostonian men. I look forward to seeing what's over there.

We have some activity PEOPLE!

Lesson learned: Do not drag your feet when you're asked on a virtual date. I fear I have lost contact with Max2 for this very reason. And just when I got him to open up to me that he isn't a killer. DAMMIT.

But not to worry! I have another friend. His name is OD, and he already suggested that 2 comics shouldn't date; therefore, we should just be friends. And since he wrote that on the Internet, surely he means it. We're meeting next week.

My new favorite, however, is mr.b. FUNNY! I did see a necklace in a couple of shots, which I'm not into, but being particular does not move a dating blog ahead quickly. If played correctly, I could have 2 uncomfortable meetings, I mean dates, in one whole week.

What I've Learned

Internet dating is like dating at the bottom of the deepest part of the sea. It's dark, cold, and there are a lot of things that you didn't know even existed. I have been bombarded with MANY older foreign men. To clarify, I don't mind a foreign man. My last 3 accidents were foreign. But I also remember a time when I was 15 years old. I worked at The Limited and an older Saudi Arabian man asked if I would be his 3rd wife. In retrospect, this is kind of impressive, but I was traumatized at the time. I picture all of these guys to be that man, so I just cannot bring myself to answer back.

I have also discovered that a fourth of the men over 50 look like Santa Claus. It seems to be a popular look. A third of that fourth is in construction. That whole third cannot link words together to express a complete thought.

1st Amendment

I will not date fans of the blog. Trust me, it's for the best.

Strategizing

All right. It looks like a date is actually going to have to happen. Here's what I'm dealing with:

Rato756 wants to meet me, which bums me out a little. I fear it's the beginning of the end of our friendship. Seriously, I can't imagine pushing him up against a wall and going crazy on him, but again, HE'S SO SWEET. I'm leaving town next week so I have another week to mull this over.

Introducing Max2. He's too young and ends his sentences with 1/2 of a parenthetical. Like this:

Max2: SO, would you give me a chance?)

Me: Your answers and profile are so minimalistic that I fear that you may be a serial killer. How do I know if you're safe?

Max2: More to talk about in person) Im not a killer)

This is what's out there folks. I think I'll meet Max2 in a heavily populated place in broad daylight. I just have to rip this band-aid off quickly and hope it gets easier.

Verbs Are Stupid

This just in from NicholasG:

I will like to talk to you..

Although I am intrigued with NicholasG's ability to tell the future, I think we can all agree that he should wait for his WILL to turn into a WOULD.

Make New Friends

I have a new friend. His name is rato756 which I find to be very creative. We're in the "friend zone" because according to his profile pic, I cannot picture him sweating on top of me. But he's SO SWEET! And we have things in common. We discuss writing, the Big Brother/Big Sister program, and that freak that asked if I'd be willing to suck on his tally whacker (often, apparently) when we had JUST virtually met.

I don't know if rato756 and I will ever meet face-to-face, but he's my first friend in all of this. And that means something.

So This is the Way It's Going to Be

If things keep going the way that they are going, I may hit 30 dates in 10 years. The 51 year-old attorney seems nice and all, but I bet he would feel a bit out-of-sorts at a National concert. My newest pursuer is a portly 41 year old fellow with a sweet smile. But I can't take this:

I have to admit that this is different It is always hard to do a self summary I have lived on 4 continent and traveled the 7 seas My journey began in India and I have lived in and worked in many counties and Pasadena is where we call home.
I love the Jesus and he is my lord and Saviour

Oh R-gyp Do you know what I love? Punctuation, subject/verb conjugation, and people who keep their Lord and Savior under wraps until date 3.